Something of My Own

Your eyelashes are so long.  They devilishly wink in my direction.
I wish I were immune to the blueness of your eyes.

What is this filling my chest?  You are not mine to look after.

"When a girl feels so alone what a tease to throw her a bone."

I cannot stop thinking about you.  I am like the Grinch when his heart grew so big.
I cannot even write properly because I feel foolish, sheepish really.

You changed my friend's flat tire without batting an eye.  I watched as you moved forward and back trying to break the lugs loose. The muscles contracted under your clothes and you skinned your knuckle on the concrete.   I cannot do this.

I want to hold on to you like a stone I found somewhere special.  Put you in my pocket and take you out to look more closely when no one is around.  I would cradle you in my palms and bring you close to my nose and breathe deeply. I would place the tip of my tongue on the roughness of your skin.

You asked, "What do you want for Christmas....I answered,
 "What I want for Christmas would be way too much to ask."

I am not yours to look after.

"Wait.....Wait.....Wait it Out."

I am disappoint.

To you it was just a moment in your day where you forgot something.

I waited all day for you to show.  Lame.  It was just a moment of recognition that I desired not your heart.

It rained and I drank coffee and I tried to not look out the window very often.  It is a small disappointment compared to the pile I have collected.  Still I really had hope today.  I had hope that I would be a big enough thought in your mind that you would show.

I ask too much.

Oliver

I just wish someone knew
All I want for Christmas
is Mary Oliver's Vol. 2

Christmas Fool

You fooled me so well I thought I was going to make it out this year without the blues.  A heart's betrayal disguised as someone else's love.  Boo for Christmas carols that stick in my head like chewed gum on and innocent shoe.  Damn those glistening silver bells! All I see in them are my lonely eyes looking back at me.  I want to bubble up with the excitement of uniting with my family and sharing loving heartfelt moments.  But instead I sit and watch alone as others participate in the annual traditions.  Instead of a bell jar I am stuck in a fucking snow globe of gloom.

Is this self pity or self realization?  I am too tired to tell at the moment.  I will watch the season pass and not let down my guard.  Soon the glitter and peppermint mochas will be gone and things will return to the inevitable norm.  Until then my friends I will dust off the residual glitter and drink my coffee black with honey and shout BAH HUMBUG! and hope I get visited by at least one ghost(you know who you are.)
  ;)  xoxo

Orange Crush

Mary Oliver wrote something like "You just have to let the warm body of yourself love what it loves." Sometimes you just cannot fight the lust or the love.  It is especially difficult when you have not lusted or loved in so long that it is as if you are now doing it for the first time.  What a thrill!  Even if all the things are completely wrong you still find yourself being swept away.  For those of you that suffer relationships often you have no idea what I am talking about, but you can keep reading if you like.  One can become invisible you see.  Or maybe you do not see.  It is a trick after all to isolate oneself from pain and uncomfortable disruption.  You can move along with the current as if you were only a bit of sand or broken leaf.  You only feel things sliding past you but you never cling or linger.  And only the one with the keenest sight might spot you for you are always moving quickly.


I have met a boy.  It does not matter who he is because it will never amount to anything.  I have learned this lesson enough times to be reasonable.  He smells like frankincense for some reason which is odd.  Most men smell like cologne, aftershave, sweat, or sometimes just soap.  All of which are appealing but Frankincense?  I am certain it is not on purpose but that is the scent I smell when he is near me.  I want to bite him.  Biting is an animal reaction I suppose to chemical attraction.  His pheromones are strong but then again I am quite deprived of male acquaintances.  I have already seen him cry.  He lost his dad last year on my dad's birthday.  My dad died about three years ago one week after his own birthday.  This boy looks at me a lot.  I am trying not to look back.  

Painkillas

I am covered in coconut shea butter and glitter from work.  I am drinking too much coffee and I wish I had a pain killer just for shits and giggles.  Warm fuzzy feelings in the rainy cold days of this shit fest called December.  It is Christmas time again they say.  Jada's button says "Who would throw shit at a fan anyway?"

Homesick Blues

I don't even know what the words mean anymore.
 Homesick
The leaves are down and the cold huddle is on.  The ground crunches underfoot everywhere you go so it is impossible to sneak away.  The birds seem to be screaming at each other on these cold November mornings. Through naked trees they can see one another's secrets.
No one can see mine because I have made myself invisible again.  It has become so easy to do that I forget I am hiding in plain sight.
Sometimes I go too long without looking in a mirror for lack of a reflection.
Homesick has become the feeling in my chest when I try to remember what once was in my heart.
I miss huge palms and fingers wrapping across the back of my neck.  Just a squeeze and shake from side to side to remind me of his love.  Circles of smoke interlacing my fingers and coffee between us like old friends.  I thought not talking to him would make it better, make me heal.  He doesn't agree.
What do I say to a memory?
Come Home.